Year of Resilience – 2021

Dear 2021,

You were one hell of a ride and as I look back at the year, I am still raw with emotion. Actually, make that emotions (plural) … a jumble of emotions! From oozing confidence to feeling defeated, then inspired to feeling twisted, feeling heard to then feeling invisible and the list goes on. I was one hot mess of a woman. The last few months, I’ve been reflecting and if I were to pick one word to describe “Sunshine 2021”, that word would be resilient with a capital R-E-S-I-L-I-E-N-T. Meaning the ability to become strong, healthy or successful after something bad happens. Now you’re wondering, what bad thing could have happened? Well, I played it safe until earlier this year and then my support system told me it was enough. During the thick of things I made up excuses, I still had hope that people could change and every time I brought up the topic or had a suggestion, there was no action or acknowledgement. And honestly, for the first half of 2021, I was just trying to survive. A pandemic, a lockdown, kids in virtual school, sharing home responsibilities and showing up everyday to lead, support, coach and be visible.

So, what bad thing happened that had Sunshine claiming resilient for 2021? Well, it all started on June 2, 2020 with the simple statement “There is no racism in Canada”. I remember the time of day, the weather, my surroundings, feeling vulnerable after sharing my family’s experience and for months following that conversation feeling invisible. I continued to discuss the topic, volunteered to get involved and voiced my concerns. Most times I was met with silence or was redirected to find solutions on my own.

Oh, and let me make this clear, what I wrote above wasn’t the bad thing that happened to me. The “there is no racism in Canada” statement in 2020 was what I call that deep cut that then bled into 2021. And instead of finding ways to heal the cut, salt was either thrown on it or I was left to try and heal it on my own. The bad thing that happened to me early in the year was someone claiming that I (Sunshine) didn’t like Caribbean people. I cringed typing this out and I cringe even harder typing out “We know you’re not racist Sunshine. but write out what happened, so we have it on file”.

That was the turning point for me. I was never given a safe space to share my concerns and I realized then that neither were others. I spent 2020/2021 listening, learning, sharing, coaching and being coached on diversity, equity, inclusion and anti-racism. It shouldn’t have only been me. Others should have shown up and I wish I tried harder. But I did try, however I am also guilty for making excuses for this person’s behaviour. I’ve known the individual for almost two decades. This person was invited to my wedding, came to my baby shower where they met my husband, my family and my husband’s family. And of course, met my twin boys. Throughout my career, this person was of great influence and here was the perfect opportunity to step up. That didn’t happen … maybe because they weren’t capable or maybe this person just wanted the situation (as in me) to do what I had had always done .. stay quiet/give up. But I just couldn’t stay quiet anymore, because now MY family, OUR values and everything WE stood for, it was now being compromised. So, after numerous discussions with my people, I made moves and within weeks after making moves, the anxiety subsided and the healing started.

So, when I describe Sunshine 2021 as being resilient, I’m owning it. And I wouldn’t have done it without the support of my husband, my boys, my family and my friends.

XOXO

Sunshine 2021