MENTAL HEALTH – The Real Reason for my Leave of Absence Request

Why I took a Leave of Absence – In April of 2021, I requested a 2 week leave of absence. I worked in the office daily, while my husband had been working from home since the start of the pandemic. We were heading into a third lockdown and my boys were switching to virtual school and it would not be sustainable for us as a family to have one parent managing the kids. In my request for LOA, I noted that my mental health had to take priority. NOTE: I took an additional 2 weeks because I was not ready to return to work.

Why I REALLY took a Leave of Absence – Racial trauma, working in an environment of systemic racism and working with an individual who is biased. So, with the province going into a lockdown, my husband said it was time to submit a leave of absence request with the the reason “focusing on the kids at home.” Now, what does this have to do with racial trauma? I’m going to break it down and take you back to June 2020, when the news exploded with George Floyd’s death at the hands of a police officer. I received a corporate email along with a follow up text message stating that resources were going to be available for all employees to help them during this emotional time. I walked into my meeting on June 2, 2020, inquired, and was met with the response, “I told them that we don’t need the resources. Racism doesn’t exist in Canada. Right? “. I felt like I walked into a door and I immediately expressed my concerns. However, a decision was made.

Now from June 2, 2020 (racism doesn’t exist in Canada) to April 18, 2021 (leave of absence); that’s a 10 month timeline and Sunshine you mean, you didn’t do anything? You’re right … I didn’t really do anything and 10 months is a loooooooooonnnnnggg time. If I were to break it down with how how traumatic it was, the heaviest was between “June 2021 – October 2021” and then it picked up again from “January 2021 – April 2021”.

So, let me give you the 10 month overview under two categories (what I experienced and what I did to maintain my mental well-being).

WHAT I EXPERIENCED:

• My voice didn’t matter. I spoke on behalf of myself at first, because I knew that if I was able to help myself, I could help others. I spoke up again two more times, on behalf of myself and others who approached me for guidance. I even suggested that we request the resources that were initially not offered. But I was recommended to look for resources and ask through my contacts.
• No Solidarity – there was an ask for solidarity from other colleagues. It was met with suspicion. I did not participate, because I had a feeling that it would not work in my favour. After looking into the request further, the individual recognized error of judgement and that the ask was in good faith and in solidarity. However, no acknowledgement or change of heart with providing resources and finding ways to become allies.
• Not being given a seat at the table – from day one, I put my hand up to help. I offered my expertise in DEI facilitating workshops and my work in Employee Resource Groups. An Inclusion & Diversity committee went through it’s initial stages and I wasn’t included. It stung, but what could I do. In another conversation when I asked how the I&D work was going, the individual shared with me the criteria selection. Members would be “top talent” and they hand picked employees. I explained my understanding of forming an I&D committee and that there would be a sponsor, a lead and volunteers. The individual stated that they did not want anyone too vocal on the committee. I remained silent.
• No resources, no understanding – by not receiving the resources, I was not equipped and neither were other employees. I was learning about anti-racism one minute and then I switched gears and coached others. My hands were tied and when I raised my concern, I was met with annoyance.
• Retaliation and Bullying – not only from the individual, but from others. The actions from not acknowledging anti-racism and not putting any resources in place put me in uncomfortable situations. In one instance, I addressed my concerns and not getting the support. The individual acknowledged my feelings and said “I’m sorry you had to go through this. I can’t imagine the trauma you felt.” I responded and said “I wouldn’t want anyone to ever feel trauma or to ever feel threatened.”

WHAT I DID TO MAINTAIN MY MENTAL WELL-BEING:

• Self Education– I read 18 books in 10 months. That doesn’t count the podcasts and news articles. And while most books were quite heavy to read, I incorporated stories of Black Excellence, read children’s books and spent time with my kids on activities that showcased representation. Below are some of my recommendations:
  • Allies and Advocates – by Amber Cabral. Being a member of the Employee Resource Group, a number of events and sessions were scheduled to support members during the emotional time relating to George Floyd’s murder. Amber was facilitating a session and with such a tough topic, she brought compassion and encouraged everyone to become allies. In July 2021, I participated in a more intimate meeting where participants were asked where they were on their “allies or advocates” journey. I stated that I am an ally and was struggling to become an advocate. She provided me additional tools to help me move towards advocacy. She is inspirational and I look forward to her second book release “Say More About That…” scheduled for July.
  • Three Book Recos: 1) Right Within – How to Heal From Racial Trauma in the Workplace, 2) The Memo and 3) You Are More Than Magic – by Minda Harts. I came across Right Within this past February and her book helped me understand my feelings and validated that my experience was racial trauma. I reached out to her before posting and asked if she could read my story and provide feedback. She responded and was happy that her book helped me and that by sharing my story, it can help others. The other two books, I have read and I intend to post my thoughts and reviews!
  • My blog post – Black History Month, Family Resources

• Show Up to Listen and Participate
  • I attended 13 company events/sessions (employee resource group (ERG) meetings, training, focus groups, listening sessions and book clubs)
  • I attended my sister-in-laws online learning meetings. Her goal was to educate and cultivate change. She brought in guest speakers and covered a variety of topics on anti-racism and advocacy.
  • Black History Month 2021 – at our boys’ school, my husband presented to the grade 7/8 class – “Black Ice – The Lost History of the Colored Hockey League of the Maritimes” by Darril Frosty and George Frosty. I read Green Pants by Kenneth Kraegal to my boys’ grade 1 class. They were so proud of me. I can’t tell you how overcome I was with emotion.
  • I know that I told you that I wasn’t given a seat at the table. That didn’t stop me from pulling up a seat at other tables. I was already a member of Employee Resources Groups. I showed up, spoke up and shared stories. I joined book clubs and had really great conversations. I used my voice on social media platforms and shared my stories as a parent within my community.

• Handling My Emotions – I learned the definitions of microaggression, gaslighting, bias, unconcious bias, ignorance, privilege, white privilege, prejudice, psychological safety, racism, systemic racism, grief and guilt. The crappy part of it is, while I knew such definitions e.g. gaslighting and microaggression, I never thought that I’d be on the receiving end of it. The anxiety, tension and pain spilled into my family life and into relationships with friends. I sought help in January 2021 and pulled myself together. I created a mental health plan to get me out of the anguish. Click on link for my self care tips and wellness journey.

• Letting Go and Being at Peace – there are times where I still feel guilty for not doing more and speaking up. Was I naïve? – YES! Did I turn a blind eye? – Absolutely! Was I making excuses for that individual? – All the time! Was it really that bad? – It was, but I kept telling myself and I was told by others that it wasn’t that bad. That’s just how that person is. I kept making excuses for this individual and I ignored the red flags because we had a professional and personal relationship of 15+ years. I followed this individual multiples times in my career, the individual was invited to my wedding, came to my baby shower and met my family, my-in laws and my husband. On my maternity leave, I came to visit this individual personally in her office to show off my new born twin babies. The individual wasn’t doing this on purpose. It must be me – ummmmm not a chance! I no longer knew this person. A person who on my last day of work text me that their day was so busy, thank you for your contributions and good bye. A person who then unfollowed me on social media. I couldn’t understand what I did to deserve that. All I asked for on that day of June 2, 2020, were resources to help me. In the ten months during the peak of anti-Black racism, anti-Asian hate and a pandemic with multiple lockdowns, I showed up to work everyday with a brave face to lead my team and support the business. I know it wasn’t me, it was that person.

I’m in a better place right now – I’m at peace, but to be transparent I still have moments of doubt, I get imposter syndrome and sometimes I go back to that dark place. But guess what, sharing this story is a HUGE step for me and I have now given myself permission to move forward without looking back.

I didn’t have a safe space over that 10 month timeframe. But I learned a lot and I want to share, so I created a section on my website with a category for “Diversity, Equity and Inclusion” and “Books I Recommend”. It is now my passion project and it is a safe space for everyone.

I welcome comments and thoughts below. If you feel that someone can benefit from reading my story or the DE&I and Books I Recommend resources, please share! There is so much more to come!

Yours in health (mentally, physically and emotionally),

Sunshine XOXO